Why doubling on you?

Yesterday I was at dinner with a dear friend. He works in the industry and we were talking about algorithms …not the music ones though but the algorithms of dating apps. So we started to talk about relationships.

We were wondering about the phenomenon known as ‘same guy, different guy’ (also been reported in its female gender form!). When you go out with the same kind of person over and over again. This is an experience we all had but usually is much easily observed by our friends than it is by ourselves.

And we noticed how sometimes we get stuck in the view that we have of ourselves and what we like and we seek the same in the other over and over again.

We like the familiar. It is comfortable and known.

Some algorithms work on the assumption we are seeking a person with our same interests. Are common interests a solid indication of attraction?

I remember sitting at dinner in front of a man who on paper could have been my absolute perfect match thinking ‘I did this before, didn’t I?’. I had, indeed. Going out with a brainy person like me, with a classical education like me, who loves all the stuff I like. And for how sad and painful it feels like to not connect with another human who feels so much like us, maybe growth might come from a new and different path?

Maybe our common interests aren’t as important as having common values. What is the other person for? What are the things that matter to them? And how do their value inform and reflect in their actions in daily life? I’ve found these questions somehow more helpful.

Photo credit: Keith Haring © The Keith Haring Foundation.

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